I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
