If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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