upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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