What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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