I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
