Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
