Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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