He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
