Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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