Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
me + whiskey = a bad person
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
