I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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