life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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