I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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