Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
