K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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