You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
