apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
