For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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