That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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