i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
