Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
