After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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