The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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