I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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