What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we made out on top of his cat.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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