Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
