but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
