I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
