dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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