one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
