I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
