I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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