I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
