My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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