Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
