I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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