when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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