So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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