I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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