I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
being pregnant is like rehab
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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