Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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