dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
