Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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