True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
only you would photoshop your dick
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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