Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
