I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
