mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize