i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
