i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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