My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
