I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
