a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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