He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
